Fashion Reads 3/27

The library is open…

Shakira

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/525275/shakira-shocks-with-three-looks-in-one-a-bathing-suit-a-fringe-shawl-and-go-go-boots

Shakira, you should have left this look in your closet along with your shewolf… Or perhaps you skinned the shewolf to make the coat you’re wearing. The flapping fringe is not enough, however, to distract from your fishnets and dominatrix boots. If I were playing Starlet or Streetwalker with the Joan Rivers, I would definitely label you a “streetwalker”. Now, E! has called this a “bathing suit”, but I swear in this photo it looks like an extremely short skirt or dress. There seems to be a shadow on her inner thigh that would suggest this. But I sincerely hope that E! is right here because if this were a dress or skirt, Shakira would have to be arrested for indecent exposure. Shakira’s constant saving grace is her hair. Whether it’s extensions or au naturel, her hair always looks amazing. But as we can see in this look, it’s not always enough to save her.

Lindsay Lohan

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/524880/lindsay-lohan-does-winter-chic-right-in-a-fur-collared-coat

 Ok, I hate to admit this, but Lindsay doesn’t look tragic in this photo. What is going on with this world that I can’t even count on Lindsay Lohan to look like a train-wreck? No really… That’s not rhetorical… I want an answer… I will say that I don’t like the fact that she stole Robin Hood’s boots. Maybe this is retribution? I know he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but I don’t think anyone would want what Lindsay has to steal. I don’t care for the jacket, but it goes with the overall casual look, so I can overlook it. However, I will not overlook the unnatural color of her hair. That is most definitely not a color found anywhere in nature. Lindsay is a natural ginger; so if she’s going to dye her hair, why not pick a different and exciting color? The last thing I want to ask is a strange question… Is it just me or does Lindsay’s face seem oddly reminiscent of Kyle Richards? That’s not an insult. I think Kyle Richards is beautiful, but I never saw a similarity before… Strange… Maybe I’m just watching too much Real Housewives (as if that could ever happen).

Sorry I only did two today, but I time seems to be an issue this week. You can yell at me in the comments.

Fashion News

Prada’s ‘design your own shoes’?

http://www.vogue.co.uk/news/2014/03/24/prada-launches-bespoke-shoe-service

According to Vogue, Prada is offering a new service to “design your own shoes”. At first, I was confused. People buy Prada because they like what the label designs. If I have to design my own shoes, why would I pay the high price of Prada since I just did their job? However, upon further reading, I discovered this is a misnomer. In fact, you are not “designing” your own shoes; you are “customizing” your own shoes. You pick a style designed by Prada, and you add your own flare to it, including the option of adding your initials under the Prada label. Talk about one-of-a-kind! I think this is awesome, but I wonder what the limitations are, and I’m scared to think what the price may be. Unfortunately, this is only a two-day event. I imagine if they extended it, it would become too much work for their manufacturer. What are your thoughts? What would you want as a specialized touch on your Prada shoes?

Engagement ring faux pas

http://www.vogue.co.uk/news/2014/03/24/esther-canadas-in-court-vikram-chatwal-engagement-ring

This is an interesting story. According to Vogue, model Esther Cañadas broke off her engagement, and now her ex-fiancé is suing her to get the extremely expensive, $300,000, ring back. Etiquette says that if the woman breaks off the engagement, she should give back the ring, but if the man ends things, she is allowed to keep the ring. I think Emily Post is rolling in her grave about this one. Personally, I don’t care who ends the engagement; when there’s a $300k ring in the mix, it should go back to the party who purchased it. I understand that Esther could have had very good reason to break it off, but no matter what (or whom) he did, give him back the ring! If anything, you’ll get rid of a blatant reminder of something so negative in your life. If you were involved in a situation like this, what would you do?

Imitation is the highest form of flattery

http://www.vogue.co.uk/news/2014/03/26/chanel-inspires-new-version-of-opera-platee

If you’ve seen RHONY in the past few weeks, you know that writer (not fake or pretend writer like one of her one-legged co-stars) and overall fabulous woman Carole Radziwill disagrees with my title for this story… But I digress… Apparently, in a new production of Rameau’s opera Platée, the story is interpreted as involving a fashionably challenged character, and other characters resemble Karl Lagerfeld and Coco Chanel. I’d definitely love to see that. Coco Chanel is, in my opinion, the ultimate fashion legend. The question is, is this imitation meant as flattery or satire? Would you pay to see this version of the opera?

Let me know your thoughts and opinions. I’ll at least pretend like I care. :)

Fashion Reads 3/25

The library is open…

Jaime King

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/524404/jaime-king-s-sweater-shrunk-in-the-dryer-gotta-have-it-or-make-it-stop

At first glance, I had the exact same reaction as E!’s writers. Jaime accidentally stuck her outfit in the dryer to get some wrinkles out and pulled out a shrunken doll sized outfit. That is the only excuse for looking like this. A heavy-looking sweater that shows off your stomach? I’ll admit that her stomach looks amazing, and that she should show it off as much as possible, but the whole concept of this top is counter-intuitive. A sweater is supposed to keep you warm, yet you are exposing a sensitive part of your body with a bare midriff? No sense… And then there are the pants… Too short to be traditional trousers yet too long to be cropped pants. They literally look stretched and are ill-fitting. Also, these pants have pleats. Pleats are supposed to lie flat in a properly fitted pant, yet these are waving at us. The shoes are kinda cool, but do they really compliment the ratchet doll outfit she’s wearing? I don’t think so.

Rihanna

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/523740/pink-panties-we-see-london-we-see-france-we-see-rihanna-s-tiny-underpants

Who let her out of the house looking like this? Once again, E! is right on; Rihanna looks like a teenage girl, and an unfashionable one at that. Scarlet O’Hara wore an entire dress made out of curtains, and it looked better than this brothel inspired window treatment she’s using as a skirt. And if it were acceptable to wear such a skirt (and that is Kardashian-ass-sized “if”), why wear pink, ugly, cheap underwear underneath it? And she’s doing well in her career, so why is she trying to hock bracelets and watches? That’s the only reason I can think of to have so much crap on your arm. Lastly, why isn’t PETA protesting her use of horsehair extensions? Not only is it an animal product, it also is offensive for everyone who has to see it.

Ciara

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/524381/ciara-s-baby-shower-caftan-is-pregnancy-chic-perfection

It’s not often, but occasionally I will be positive. Don’t get used to it. I think Ciara pulls off pregnancy extremely well. And she obviously knows how to dress for it. First of all, she’s just plain lucky not to look like a squirrel stashing nuts in her cheeks (A fact I’m sure makes many women envious.). I love the caftan and its print. It’s a smart look because the long and flowy nature of a caftan hides any imperfection she may not want to show while still showing off her glorious bump. I think it’s a little long, but again, she may be hiding swollen pregnancy feet, which is totally understandable. She looks absolutely beautiful… Okay, that was weird… I felt like another person writing that… Scary.

Agree? Disagree? Did you like my positive side? Or should I bury it deep within my icy soul and never let it surface again? Let me know in the comments below!!

Fashion Reads 3/20

The library is open…

Shailene Woodley

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/522843/shailene-woodley-finally-goes-glam-for-divergent-premiere-and-it-s-well-worth-the-wait

Ok, so apparently E! likes this look. I must say that I don’t. Is she auditioning for the Real Housewives? Is there a new series entitled Secret Life of the American Divorcée? This dress is not age appropriate. She looks like she’s trying to be a cougar when she’s only a cub. Also, what is this dress made of?! It looks like someone hot glued Burt Reynolds’s porn-star moustache all over some brown fabric and then threw some rhinestones on for a little bit of sparkle. Shailene is a beautiful girl, and she can do much better.

Lea Michele vs. Kim Kardashian

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/522834/bitch-stole-my-sexy-kim-kardashian-vs-lea-michele-in-see-through-styles

Two-for-one special! Lea Michele vs. Kim Kardashian in who wore the lacey see-through tablecloth the best… This is a no-contest situation in my opinion. Kim looks so much better. While I think they both look a little slutty, Kim looks…less…slutty…? That was really hard to think, much less force my fingers to type… You can see Kim’s undergarments, but they’re still somewhat obscured by the lace. Lea, on the other hand, looks like Wonder Slut. A cropped jumper made of lace covering a diaper hot-pant with a “belt”? Really? I can’t… At least she had the decency to cover her nipples with a little bit of scrap fabric. Furthermore, I don’t think either of them is wearing the correct size shoe considering their toes are hanging off the edge. And lastly, Kim’s hairline is a bit distracting…no idea what’s going on there…

Courteney Cox

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/522449/courteney-cox-is-every-frat-boy-s-sexy-professor-fantasy

WHAT?! This is far too easy! Should I even go through the trouble?... Of course! There is nothing positive I can say about this look (and I can’t tell you how happy that makes me…yeah, I’m mean, so what?). Courteney Cox is 49 years of age, according to Wikipedia, yet she looks 60 in this photo. Let me start from the top. Her hair is more damaged than Courtney Love’s septum, and she looks like she’s storing up her injectables for winter (even though winter is over). The glasses are way too big for her face. She also seems to have stolen the top of a soccer mom’s velour jogging suit and paired it with a pleather skirt. Classic combo right? I hate to be crude (I’m totally lying), but is it just me or does it seem like Courteney has some well-worn calloused knees? I wonder what she could have been doing to cause that…

Agree? Disagree? Let me know in the comments below.

Trends-y Wednesday

According to Glamour Magazine, there are 10 fashion trends for spring 2014. I’ll give my thoughts on each of them here. If you want to see their take along with some pics of each of the trends head to the following website:

http://www.glamour.com/fashion/2013/09/most-wearable-spring-2014-trends-from-nyfw#slide=1

Pretty Pastels:

I understand the appeal of pastels. In fact, I’m wearing a plaid pastel shirt as I type this. But I don’t understand wearing ONLY pastels, especially ONE pastel. It’s so muted and understated. You want some bright color somewhere to signify spring. When I look at the pictures of the runway models in pastel and white, I see dull and sad Easter eggs that parents were forced to dye after the kids got bored with the process. It just reads sad to me.

Boxy, Cropped Jackets:

I think these can look cool, but if you look at the photos of the runway models, they simply don’t. They don’t look cool or sexy or comfortable. So what’s the point? I have no snarky remarks about this trend…that’s how much I care about it…

Contrast Collar Button-downs:

No no no no no no… I CAN’T! These women look like they either forgot to do laundry and borrowed a shirt from the boyfriend, or they spilled red wine on their dress after a long drunken night and were forced to make the walk of shame wearing a dirty shirt of the nameless man she just left passed out in the bed. Either way it’s trashy. Oh, and did I forget to say... NO!!

Wide-leg Trousers:

Finally something I can get behind! In a dress pant these can look super chic. In a jean they can look comfortable and stylish. Bring back the bell-bottoms and dump the skinny jeans, at least for the moment. Sorry hipsters, you’re no longer in style…although that probably makes you immensely happy.

“Cool” Bomber Jackets:

Okay, I had to revise the title that Glamour gave to this one… In no way are bomber jackets “cool”, unless you want to look like you’re wearing a “Member’s Only” jacket or like you’re dating a varsity football player. And if you’re older than 25, the latter would be extremely creepy. Not cool, not chic, not fashionable.

Tea-length Skirts:

There is definitely a place for these in a woman’s wardrobe. They are tasteful and can be quite beautiful. They can be used for something business casual, church, a garden party, etc. I do think the name needs updating though. The term “tea-length” is not applicable in the US, and I doubt women in the UK wear a skirt everyday to tea.

Sweater Dressing:

I must admit I don’t understand this trend. Wearing a sweater in the spring is a foreign concept to me. This is probably because I grew up in the south where spring lasted a week and then the hell fire of summer started. So I feel strange commenting on this idea when I can’t wrap my head around it… Needless to say, I’m intrigued…

Tuxedo-Meets-Athletic-Striped Trousers:

I love it! I think it’s innovative and stylish. Women wearing tuxedo pants doesn’t sound very interesting, but these are tailored to fit a woman’s leg, so they are tapered toward the bottom. You can dress it up or dress it down. You could easily wear it to work and look professional, but also wear them out to drinks and look more casual, all without having to go home to change. Great idea!

The Shift Blouse:

Is anyone else seeing a trend here (pun not intended; I just got lucky with that one)? These blouses are loose and boxy and unflattering. Is it no longer cool to look sexy and show off your figure? Why are women killing themselves at the gym to become stick figures if they are going to dress in something that hides that hard work? It’s like a toothpick wearing a tent. I don’t get it.

Collarless Coats:

This is a good idea, and as can be seen in the pictures of some of the models, it can be beautiful. However, you must be careful, lest you appear to be doctor or scientist who wanted to spice up her lab coat and then decided to wear it out in public (as you can see in the left-hand picture). You have been warned!

Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think in the comments.

Fashion Reads 3/18

The library is open...

Emma Watson

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/522386/emma-watson-s-casual-red-carpet-style-gotta-have-it-or-make-it-stop

Is Emma Watson okay? Apparently she forgot about her movie premiere. She looks like she had a busy day of stomping grapes at a vineyard where she drank a bit too much of her hard work. She obviously woke up, wrapped the sheet around her, threw on some pants and heels, and slicked her greasy hair to the side. That shit may be okay at Hogwarts, but it certainly is not okay on a boat full of mating animals with Russell Crowe. Get it together girl!

Vanessa Hudgens

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/521885/vanessa-hudgens-steps-out-in-oversized-baby-bloomers

Vanessa, you must need to get laid, girl. Your crotch is obviously famished; it’s eating your shorts! We all go through some dry spells, but you probably won’t find a respectable man dressed like that. A faded t-shirt ripped off the back of a passed out, stoned hippie and an adult diaper is just not a turn on… well… unless you’re attracted to an incontinent Willie Nelson.

Kate Middleton

http://www.eonline.com/shows/fashion_police/news/521858/kate-middleton-schools-us-in-st-patrick-s-day-chic

Only Kate Middleton could pull off this color. It looks like it was made out of a recycled sofa from my great grandmother’s living room, but she still looks fabulous. I don’t even mind that the hat is a slightly different color than the dress. The one misstep is the barnacle attached to her bosom. I would expect that to happen to someone the Queen’s age or Joan Rivers’s age, not a spry young thing like Kate.